constant stares, laughs, and unwanted attention.

if there's one thing i've learned in turkey, it's to be strong:
strong-willed
strong-minded
strong-hearted
...


strong everything.

i've come to realize how hard it is living somewhere that exists as the antithesis to my own culture. the way i was raised, the things I know and believe, almost everything is turned around.
the things that seem similar are only faint mirror images of my reality, things I hold on to for my strength.

I once thought to completely immerse myself in another culture, to let go of my convictions, opinions, beliefs and technological rituals, would be one of the most beautiful experiences i could ever have. now i'm starting to think it's going to break me as a person...
being here sometimes makes me reconsider studying for a PhD in anthropology...
maybe i'm just being emotional.

let me just repeat this, as a reminder to myself... because as I write this post, at five am on a sunday morning, sobering up from the horror that was my saturday night (besides the junip/jose gonazalez concert) all I can think of is the negativity that has come from my study abroad experience... BUT, i gotta remember, it is MAKING ME STRONGER, SMARTER & MORE AWARE, it's a wake-up call. one day I think I will finally pop the near-utopian bubble that i have had surrounding my consciousness. a bubble that was constructed over the ten years of my life that i lived in canada.

if i could just look past the stares, the laughs, being accosted, and the language barrier that's been impossible to break, I could finally appreciate the true cultural beauty of this world, the subtle similarities and overt differences that shape it.
then, my rant above would become moot, because I would feel comfortable within my own skin.
but, alas, i feel like frantz fanon, author of, "the fact of blackness"
he started out his entire work with these three words, "look, a negro!"
It was meant to sum up the feeling of awareness of one's body and the power that it holds in perception, and most significantly, in relation to others.
Never before have I related with fanon in such a profound way, but sometimes when I'm walking through these ancient streets I think back to this article and ponder about my body, and for the first time in my life I fear people and the way they view me...

All i can do is ignore it, be strong, and try to laugh along.
but as someone who studies social theory, and teeters on the edge of existentialist thought, i can't ignore it, because all I want to do is discover why?...so again, all i can do is BE STRONG. and appreciate how lucky I am to have this experience.

but study abroad can be hard when you aren't just going to a beach in australia, or to the fields of dublin.

i don't understand this country, but i'm excited to find out more and more about it every day I'm here.

this post was cathartic, kind of run-on-y, overly emotional, and probably dull. i'm NOT looking for pity, it's more for me.
I want to remember every aspect of my experience, the good and the bad.