constant stares, laughs, and unwanted attention.

if there's one thing i've learned in turkey, it's to be strong:
strong-willed
strong-minded
strong-hearted
...


strong everything.

i've come to realize how hard it is living somewhere that exists as the antithesis to my own culture. the way i was raised, the things I know and believe, almost everything is turned around.
the things that seem similar are only faint mirror images of my reality, things I hold on to for my strength.

I once thought to completely immerse myself in another culture, to let go of my convictions, opinions, beliefs and technological rituals, would be one of the most beautiful experiences i could ever have. now i'm starting to think it's going to break me as a person...
being here sometimes makes me reconsider studying for a PhD in anthropology...
maybe i'm just being emotional.

let me just repeat this, as a reminder to myself... because as I write this post, at five am on a sunday morning, sobering up from the horror that was my saturday night (besides the junip/jose gonazalez concert) all I can think of is the negativity that has come from my study abroad experience... BUT, i gotta remember, it is MAKING ME STRONGER, SMARTER & MORE AWARE, it's a wake-up call. one day I think I will finally pop the near-utopian bubble that i have had surrounding my consciousness. a bubble that was constructed over the ten years of my life that i lived in canada.

if i could just look past the stares, the laughs, being accosted, and the language barrier that's been impossible to break, I could finally appreciate the true cultural beauty of this world, the subtle similarities and overt differences that shape it.
then, my rant above would become moot, because I would feel comfortable within my own skin.
but, alas, i feel like frantz fanon, author of, "the fact of blackness"
he started out his entire work with these three words, "look, a negro!"
It was meant to sum up the feeling of awareness of one's body and the power that it holds in perception, and most significantly, in relation to others.
Never before have I related with fanon in such a profound way, but sometimes when I'm walking through these ancient streets I think back to this article and ponder about my body, and for the first time in my life I fear people and the way they view me...

All i can do is ignore it, be strong, and try to laugh along.
but as someone who studies social theory, and teeters on the edge of existentialist thought, i can't ignore it, because all I want to do is discover why?...so again, all i can do is BE STRONG. and appreciate how lucky I am to have this experience.

but study abroad can be hard when you aren't just going to a beach in australia, or to the fields of dublin.

i don't understand this country, but i'm excited to find out more and more about it every day I'm here.

this post was cathartic, kind of run-on-y, overly emotional, and probably dull. i'm NOT looking for pity, it's more for me.
I want to remember every aspect of my experience, the good and the bad.

blogger blocked in turkey...qu'est-ce que?

Well I'm one of the lucky few within this country that has access to blogger/blogspot in light of the March 1, 2011 banning of the site. Apparently it was done because of a live stream that was broadcast through blogger. this copyrighted content belonged to the turkish media company, digiturk, and when attempting to contact google they received no response. SO, they took it to court and now whenever someone tries to go to a blogspot blog, from a Turkish server, they receive this message in big bold red letters:

"Bu siteye erişim mahkeme kararıyla engellenmiştir"
which roughly translates to say, This site has been blocked by a court order.


thank goodness I have a VPN that makes it possible for me to still be digitally connected to the United States in terms of speech, and general freedom...is this my first patriotic moment? I am going on month seven of being a US citizen!

but, i digress...

i'm not going to go on an all out critique of this change because in all honesty i don't know what the cyber laws are in this country. Based on the research I did last semester on Pakistan, i'd say to be on the safe side (i.e. not getting picked up in the middle of the night, or physically threatened because of a blog post) i should make a neutral yet wildly loaded statement.

here i go,

so, we all know what just happened in Egypt, what's happening in Libya and what happened in both Iran and Pakistan in the past couple of years (the green revolution and the flickr/blogger/facebook/youtube response to the state of emergency).
Where militant control of the media was exercised in the interest of the state (for many reasons, which i can go into later if you're interested!!!!), to quell the hearts and minds of people fighting for their rights.

it seems rather ...searching for the right word... shallow? embarrassing? crazy? rash? interesting? one-of-a-kind? (how many words can I say that will throw off non-native english speakers of my linguistic intentions?) to ban a blogging website over a copyright, corporate debacle. at least in comparison to the nations within the same "regional block" as turkey. maybe, i'm jumping to conclusions? maybe I did some faulty research? but the way communications is handled within turkey has always been wildly strategic, from 1923 onward.
I'm actually pretty jazzed i'm here for this, i mean it's not inspired by a revolution, or some sort of marxist-like fear of social consciousness, but it is an infrigement on human rights. in my opinion, at least.
but how much is that worth? i'm only a blogger...