constant stares, laughs, and unwanted attention.

if there's one thing i've learned in turkey, it's to be strong:
strong-willed
strong-minded
strong-hearted
...


strong everything.

i've come to realize how hard it is living somewhere that exists as the antithesis to my own culture. the way i was raised, the things I know and believe, almost everything is turned around.
the things that seem similar are only faint mirror images of my reality, things I hold on to for my strength.

I once thought to completely immerse myself in another culture, to let go of my convictions, opinions, beliefs and technological rituals, would be one of the most beautiful experiences i could ever have. now i'm starting to think it's going to break me as a person...
being here sometimes makes me reconsider studying for a PhD in anthropology...
maybe i'm just being emotional.

let me just repeat this, as a reminder to myself... because as I write this post, at five am on a sunday morning, sobering up from the horror that was my saturday night (besides the junip/jose gonazalez concert) all I can think of is the negativity that has come from my study abroad experience... BUT, i gotta remember, it is MAKING ME STRONGER, SMARTER & MORE AWARE, it's a wake-up call. one day I think I will finally pop the near-utopian bubble that i have had surrounding my consciousness. a bubble that was constructed over the ten years of my life that i lived in canada.

if i could just look past the stares, the laughs, being accosted, and the language barrier that's been impossible to break, I could finally appreciate the true cultural beauty of this world, the subtle similarities and overt differences that shape it.
then, my rant above would become moot, because I would feel comfortable within my own skin.
but, alas, i feel like frantz fanon, author of, "the fact of blackness"
he started out his entire work with these three words, "look, a negro!"
It was meant to sum up the feeling of awareness of one's body and the power that it holds in perception, and most significantly, in relation to others.
Never before have I related with fanon in such a profound way, but sometimes when I'm walking through these ancient streets I think back to this article and ponder about my body, and for the first time in my life I fear people and the way they view me...

All i can do is ignore it, be strong, and try to laugh along.
but as someone who studies social theory, and teeters on the edge of existentialist thought, i can't ignore it, because all I want to do is discover why?...so again, all i can do is BE STRONG. and appreciate how lucky I am to have this experience.

but study abroad can be hard when you aren't just going to a beach in australia, or to the fields of dublin.

i don't understand this country, but i'm excited to find out more and more about it every day I'm here.

this post was cathartic, kind of run-on-y, overly emotional, and probably dull. i'm NOT looking for pity, it's more for me.
I want to remember every aspect of my experience, the good and the bad.

blogger blocked in turkey...qu'est-ce que?

Well I'm one of the lucky few within this country that has access to blogger/blogspot in light of the March 1, 2011 banning of the site. Apparently it was done because of a live stream that was broadcast through blogger. this copyrighted content belonged to the turkish media company, digiturk, and when attempting to contact google they received no response. SO, they took it to court and now whenever someone tries to go to a blogspot blog, from a Turkish server, they receive this message in big bold red letters:

"Bu siteye erişim mahkeme kararıyla engellenmiştir"
which roughly translates to say, This site has been blocked by a court order.


thank goodness I have a VPN that makes it possible for me to still be digitally connected to the United States in terms of speech, and general freedom...is this my first patriotic moment? I am going on month seven of being a US citizen!

but, i digress...

i'm not going to go on an all out critique of this change because in all honesty i don't know what the cyber laws are in this country. Based on the research I did last semester on Pakistan, i'd say to be on the safe side (i.e. not getting picked up in the middle of the night, or physically threatened because of a blog post) i should make a neutral yet wildly loaded statement.

here i go,

so, we all know what just happened in Egypt, what's happening in Libya and what happened in both Iran and Pakistan in the past couple of years (the green revolution and the flickr/blogger/facebook/youtube response to the state of emergency).
Where militant control of the media was exercised in the interest of the state (for many reasons, which i can go into later if you're interested!!!!), to quell the hearts and minds of people fighting for their rights.

it seems rather ...searching for the right word... shallow? embarrassing? crazy? rash? interesting? one-of-a-kind? (how many words can I say that will throw off non-native english speakers of my linguistic intentions?) to ban a blogging website over a copyright, corporate debacle. at least in comparison to the nations within the same "regional block" as turkey. maybe, i'm jumping to conclusions? maybe I did some faulty research? but the way communications is handled within turkey has always been wildly strategic, from 1923 onward.
I'm actually pretty jazzed i'm here for this, i mean it's not inspired by a revolution, or some sort of marxist-like fear of social consciousness, but it is an infrigement on human rights. in my opinion, at least.
but how much is that worth? i'm only a blogger...

only breath, rumi.

my friend courtney is taking a class on sufism (mystical islam), and she sent this work by rumi to me. i thought it was extremely applicable to my experience so i decided to post it.

(thanks lady).


ONLY BREATH

Not Christian or Jew or Muslim, not Hindu,
Buddhist, sufi, or zen. Not any religion

or cultural system. I am not from the East
or the West, not out of the ocean or up

from the ground, not natural or ethereal, not
composed of elements at all. I do not exist,

am not an entity in this world or the next,
did not descend from Adam or Eve or any

origin story. My place is placeless, a trace
of the traceless. Neither body or soul.

I belong to the beloved, have seen the two
worlds as one and that one call to and know,

first, last, outer, inner, only that
breath breathing human being.

--rumi

"music is the oldest entity..."

“What is music to you? What would you be without music? Music is everything. Nature is music (cicadas in the tropical night). The sea is music, the wind is music. The rain drumming on the roof and the storm raging in the sky are music. Music is the oldest entity. The scope of music is immense and infinite. It is the ‘esperanto’ of the world.” ---duke ellington.

to me that quote by mr. ellington is the definition of music, forget webster's, his words really grasp the beauty of music, from its most simple to its most complicated form.

The main wonder of music, to me, is its ability to bring people together, regardless of race, ethnicity, creed or language, to unify them under the beauty of sound and meaning.
it is as mr. ellington says, the true esperanto of the world.

BTW, esperanto is a neutral language constructed to create an international understanding between people without the hierarchy of language. a goal I truly believe in, as in why should everyone learn english? who decided that? what makes this language presumably better or more neutral than any other? esperanto is the answer to all these questions...but i digress, that's an argument for another blog post, this one is about music.

the way music is appreciated in Istanbul is amazingly profound to me, it's everywhere. from people on the streets trying to earn money, to restaurants and clubs, music is all over this city. yes, music is everywhere, and every city has their street urchins, but there's something unique about the way music permeates throughout Istanbul.

for example, about a week ago I was taking photos of a mosque in ortaköy, oh man it's stunning the architecture is so intricate I took about a dozen photos of it:



and this man, umut, approaches me to ask where i'm from--because i obviously don't have the look of a turk--i tell him the US and he IMMEDIATELY starts talking to me about b.b. king! it was wonderful, we began to talk about our love for jazz and blues, then we went into an intense conversation about classical music, he is a lover of russian composers, as am i, and we spent about two minutes talking about chopin's nocturnes. he plays guitar and i play piano & sing, from there we began to talk about how much we love performing! it was such a unifying discussion, and i felt as though I connected with this man from an entire different side of the world than me, who barely speaks the same language as me, and has a completely different history from me. without our shared passion for and knowledge of music we would have had the same static conversation that i've had with every person that has had the guts to approach someone as different as me.

this is umut by the way, sitting with his guitar, i never want to forget him...:



today though really solidified my longing for writing this blog post, me and a couple friends decided to try "meze" which is different veggies, cheeses and sauces in small bowls that you eat with bread (DELICIOUS). so, on a recommendation from tessa's turkish roommate we fumbled around taksim square and found ourselves in the french quarter. words cannot even begin to describe the charm of this area, and I can't show you a photograph because i didn't carry my camera with me, but it's coming...
picture this, a string of lights on every tree, steps that take you through cafe after cafe with beautiful plush couches and verandas that overlook hagia sophia and the bosphorus, it was bliss. after attempting to eat some cow liver, the owner took us to his bar. it was a burlesque-like stage with a red velvet curtain, there was a curvaceous turkish woman singing with a full band, the only light came from candles, and there were posters of ataturk (of course) and john lennon on the walls. the music was wonderful, i felt like i was in an underground jazz club sipping on gin and listening to a billie holiday-type singer.
but MY POINT.
wherever i go, no matter the time of day, no matter the style of music, and wherever the music is coming from--whether it is the radio, or a live band--turkish people come alive and belt along, dancing, holding eachother, in a truly happy way. it is one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen. there are songs that everyone knows, mother & child, and no matter where they are, or what they're doing they let the music take over their bodies and everyone in the vicinity becomes united.
i know this sounds intensely romanticized, but seeing this happen is an experience, to the point that no matter who i'm with, they express a longing to learn the songs all the turkish people know, to have the ability to sing along and join in on their merriment.
this so far, is one of my favorite things about istanbul.

cultural tourism, this is what it's all about. forget the monuments, their beauty is fleeting to me, i relish in the architecture of ottoman times, and i can view the trojan horse in troy and think of the profound event that made this wooden horse a monument, but it's the story that makes these relics great, the reason why people fly all the way across the world to see a mosque, or a statue.
and so far, every day in istanbul i'm writing my own story. so, nothing compares to the beauty of experiencing a completely alternative way of life, to live within a city centuries old and feel the history, culture and unity within a seemingly insignificant event such as singing along with a popular song in a restaurant.

ahh istanbul, i've finally arrived.

the many faces of me.

so, i'm here!
plane ride was so so so long, but i had a whole row to myself. so, i watched some always sunny, read some dorian gray, and looked out the window.
landed and made a huge faux pas, i slept. thus my first day in istanbul consisted of me fashioning a blanket out of a pillow case, hoodie, and towel. while sleeping till the evening. dumb Dumb DUmb DUMb DUMB!

i was actually able to fall asleep around 10, but i woke up at around six to the call to prayer, it was so haunting, especially during that time of morning, i saw a woman racing towards a mosque...

oh well, my second day, now that's what i need to spend time talking about...

it started around 11 am, i ventured out with people i met on my plane ride (one of the girls i met actually ended up being my roomie) then we met other americans on the way to breakfast, so four became seven. as we roamed the bosphorus for miles, we passed fishermen/children, parks, mosques, it was all so insanely beautiful we decided: "hey, let's head to the old city". so we headed there, but the mosque was closing down for prayer so we went to the grand bazaar instead. wow.

i have to make a list of all the things that were said to me/all the names i was called:

1. janet jackson
2. whitney houston
3. chocolate lady, will you be my girlfriend
4. i like black woman, SHOUTED at me.
5. beyonce
6. spice girls
7. random english words just to catch your attention. like, "do you remember me?"
8. and then random turkish i don't understand, but sick aggressive men seem to act the same in the US so we got the idea.
9. aww, one of my favorites was a guy who just pointed at the ground and said: "excuse me is that yours", i would turn my head to nothing and he'd laugh like a hyena, it was cute.

basically, i'm taking all of this not in offense, but calmly "in stride" or whatever the phrase is.
i definitely don't see it as racism, more a mix of curiosity with raging libidos.
the turks are as a whole, so far, such a nice people, unassuming, helpful, polite, my experience is good so far...

on the bright side i found my dream scarf, and it was only 140 lira...

histoire

i initially became interested in turkey because of mr. atatürk, and his "aggressive" efforts to shape turkish nationalism.

one of the most profound changes (besides the switch of the capital from istanbul to ankara (which i wrote about back in '09)) was the change in the turkish alphabet from the arabic script to the latin one.

this quote below was used in my FREE language study program.

i thought it was super cool...

The current Turkish alphabet used for the Turkish language replaced the earlier arabic alphabet and was created at the initative of Kemal Atatürk by borrowing different Latin characters in 1928. The letter Ö was taken from the Swedish alphabet because the Swedish interpreter from the Dragoman House (ambassador house) was assigned to the committee creating the new writing language. Ç was taken from Albanian, Ş from Romanian, and Ü from German.

grueling preparation.

i leave for istanbul in thirteen-ish days.

i'm studying at bogazici university, in the international relations faculty.

i plan to take classes on (non-western) film, music, art history, and then MAYBE international law.
ECSTATIC

i'm gonna live in a huge dormitory with a bunch of other expatriates

i'm so completely full of anticipation, there's barely any room left for fear, or nervousness, or excitement...i'm just in a stagnant state of unknowing, with a multitude of expectations for this journey.

these are my pre-departure tasks:

a) i need to learn more turkish, i only know: "merhaba". saying hello is one thing, but learning how to say goodbye, yes, no, please, and thank you is pretty key.

b)take my wardrobe and cut it into thirds, then take half of that third and pack it in a suitcase. (first world problems)

c) practice taking photos with my new wonderful lumix camera.

d) figure out everything logistical.

e) mentally prepare.

i've never been more ready to leave this hemisphere.

tips for international travel?